Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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