My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
