There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
