Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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