Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
