K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
