She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
