I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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