I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
