I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
