Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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