I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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