Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So much rum. So many feels.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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