paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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