I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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