just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
