i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
home. puking in laundry basket.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
