No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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