Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
