tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
