My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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