the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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