you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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