I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
