i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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