Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
