her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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