I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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