i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
