All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
