I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
