i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
