I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
