2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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