im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
