u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
