I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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