Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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