I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
