i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
