It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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