I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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