I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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