It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
