This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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