I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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