dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
