Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
