Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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