Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
